Comedy For Witches
Alright moon last month:
You were meant to bring about success in relationships which saw me being set up by friends on two dates. Still, neither of them happening which is the equivalent to having all the ingredients for a dinner you’ve been meaning to try and then having a microwave meal AGAIN. Maybe the moon didn't mean romantic relationships so now I have to go and apologize to the 32 unread WhatsApp I have from mates, it's not that I don’t appreciate your friendship it’s just that notifications now feel the same as the negative thoughts in my head their constant and I try to ignore them but either way they’re getting brought up in therapy.
Set your friends up on dates by the way. The world needs more cupids and fewer algorithms. But not via WhatsApp as they might not read it for three weeks. Get inventive like a flash mob!
Cancerians were told to rest over the last month and if i hadn't read that from an astrology site I would have got the message loud and clear from the universe in the form of pink eye. Lack of sleep looks like I’ve gone two rounds with Katie Taylor except the scariest thing I encountered that week was an unsolicited doorbell (who’s that, what do they want, better be food, I didn’t order anything, why didn’t they text ahead of time, probably a murderer, he should of text!)
Something magic:
Some people won't believe in magic and to them I ask how do you explain popping candy? Once a childhood phenomenon, I now prefer crystals in my wallet rather than my chocolate.
The most magical moment for me this month was when it registered just how incredible the seat warmer in my Dad’s car is. It’s a luxury one could only dream of while sat at a bus shelter. After selling my own car for scraps when it failed the NCT badly and I mean badly a big red sticker came out saying ‘you’re fucked’ and now mostly being a ‘bus wanker’ . When I get to drive my Dad’s car I hit this one button and all of a sudden it feels like someone is hugging my cheeks. It could be mechanics that have heating under the leather or it could be mythical Irish fairy farts (remind me to put this label on an empty jar and sell it on Etsy) you decide which to believe.
Let’s go moon:
This month’s moon the Beaver Moon is called so because we are meant to start gathering and storing everything for winter, which must have been what those Dublin looters were doing on Thursday night. The left foot of a Nike Air Max will last you right through winter until we can find the right foot and give you a massive kick up the arse with it.
‘This moon ‘falls in the air sign Gemini, a sign associated with communication, ideas, information, learning, socialising and short haul travel. Collectively, this makes this full moon is a potent time to think big, speak up and let go of outdated ideas about who you are and what you deserve.’
Well if this doesn’t scream obvious for certain few’s faux patriotism we’ve been seeing I dunno what does.
Cancerians in the coming month are being told to expect to release things from the past and forgive themselves. OOOF I mean as an Irish woman ‘sorry’ is every second word in a sentence aimed at someone else, apologizing for my mere existence as THEY stand on MY toe but have I ever apologised to myself? Maybe one time when I was told to do an inner child meditation and I apologized to 7-year-old me for the fact that as an adult we do not eat nutella sandwiches for breakfast lunch and dinner like we thought we would.
Potion of the month:
White wine (any) Success to me is being able to pick a bottle of wine by the label and not the price tag. Right now I’m in Lidl’s drink aisle looking for something under a tenner. White wines powers soothed me this month. It’s gone in my mouth, in my risotto and into the bath with me ( in a glass unless Gwyenth Paltrow suggests we bath in wine now) After being gifted another keep cup I thought brilliant that’s where my wines going next.
News:
I will be releasing my debut stand up hour ‘I SEE DEADLY PEOPLE’ on Youtube on the 27th of December. Pop it in your diaries. If you would like me to send you a calender invite, send me your email as I know I love that little dopamine hit.
All proceeds from my current ‘I SEE DEADLY PEOPLE’ merch will be going towards Women’s Aid Ireland and the GOAL Gaza Appeal. You can shop via my website if you head to ‘Store’.
Over and ouch xx
Resources: https://www.glamourmagazine.co.uk/article/beaver-moon-star-signs , https://www.hindustantimes.com/astrology/horoscope/full-moon-in-gemini-2023-heres-how-the-beaver-moon-november-will-affect-your-zodiac-sign-101700648229839.html and the Farmers Alamanac.