Comedy For Witches

 Alright moon last month: 

You were meant to bring about success in relationships which saw me being set up by friends on two dates. Still, neither of them happening which is the equivalent to having all the ingredients for a dinner you’ve been meaning to try and then having a microwave meal AGAIN. Maybe the moon didn't mean romantic relationships so now I have to go and apologize to the 32 unread WhatsApp I have from mates, it's not that I don’t appreciate your friendship it’s just that notifications now feel the same as the negative thoughts in my head their constant and I try to ignore them but either way they’re getting brought up in therapy. 

Set your friends up on dates by the way. The world needs more cupids and fewer algorithms. But not via WhatsApp as they might not read it for three weeks. Get inventive like a flash mob! 

Cancerians were told to rest over the last month and if i hadn't read that from an astrology site I would have got the message loud and clear from the universe in the form of pink eye. Lack of sleep looks like I’ve gone two rounds with Katie Taylor except the scariest thing I encountered that week was an unsolicited doorbell (who’s that, what do they want, better be food, I didn’t order anything, why didn’t they text ahead of time, probably a murderer, he should of text!)  

Something magic:

Some people won't believe in magic and to them I ask how do you explain popping candy? Once a childhood phenomenon, I now prefer crystals in my wallet rather than my chocolate. 

The most magical moment for me this month was when it registered just how incredible the seat warmer in my Dad’s car is. It’s a luxury one could only dream of while sat at a bus shelter. After selling my own car for scraps when it failed the NCT badly and I mean badly a big red sticker came out saying ‘you’re fucked’ and now mostly being a ‘bus wanker’ . When I get to drive my Dad’s car I hit this one button and all of a sudden it feels like someone is hugging my cheeks. It could be mechanics that have heating under the leather or it could be mythical Irish fairy farts (remind me to put this label on an empty jar and sell it on Etsy) you decide which to believe. 

Let’s go moon:

This month’s moon the Beaver Moon is called so because we are meant to start gathering and storing everything for winter, which must have been what those Dublin looters were doing on Thursday night. The left foot of a Nike Air Max will last you right through winter until we can find the right foot and give you a massive kick up the arse with it.

‘This moon ‘falls in the air sign Gemini, a sign associated with communication, ideas, information, learning, socialising and short haul travel. Collectively, this makes this full moon is a potent time to think big, speak up and let go of outdated ideas about who you are and what you deserve.’ 

Well if this doesn’t scream obvious for certain few’s faux patriotism we’ve been seeing I dunno what does. 

Cancerians in the coming month are being told to expect to release things from the past and forgive themselves. OOOF I  mean as an Irish woman ‘sorry’ is every second word in a sentence aimed at someone else, apologizing for my mere existence as THEY stand on MY toe but have I ever apologised to myself? Maybe one time when I was told to do an inner child meditation and I apologized to 7-year-old me for the fact that as an adult we do not eat nutella sandwiches for breakfast lunch and dinner like we thought we would. 

Potion of the month: 

White wine (any) Success to me is being able to pick a bottle of wine by the label and not the price tag. Right now I’m in Lidl’s drink aisle looking for something under a tenner. White wines powers soothed me this month. It’s gone in my mouth, in my risotto and into the bath with me ( in a glass unless Gwyenth Paltrow suggests we bath in wine now) After being gifted another keep cup I thought brilliant that’s where my wines going next.

News:

I will be releasing my debut stand up hour ‘I SEE DEADLY PEOPLE’ on Youtube on the 27th of December. Pop it in your diaries. If you would like me to send you a calender invite, send me your email as I know I love that little dopamine hit.

All proceeds from my current ‘I SEE DEADLY PEOPLE’ merch will be going towards Women’s Aid Ireland and the GOAL Gaza Appeal. You can shop via my website if you head to ‘Store’. 

Over and ouch xx 

Resources: https://www.glamourmagazine.co.uk/article/beaver-moon-star-signs , https://www.hindustantimes.com/astrology/horoscope/full-moon-in-gemini-2023-heres-how-the-beaver-moon-november-will-affect-your-zodiac-sign-101700648229839.html and the Farmers Alamanac.

Comedy For Witches

Greeting Ghouls,

My aim is to post a monthly blog post on the full moon each month. This one is late with the full moon being on the 27th but I’ve justified my own procrastination because it makes sense for the first post to be on Samhain a day when the world of the gods was believed to be made visible to humankind. So let me know what you saw of the afterlife last night. To me, it was a TikTok feed of Hailey and Justin Bieber costumes, a couple of Mr Beans and surprisingly no Barbies. If that’s the door to death I’ll swipe past it for now.

I’m always looking for something or someone to blame that’s why I envy people with a religion. I’ll still say ‘Jesus Christ’ and ‘Ah God’ as If I know them as if they’re aul lads who say slightly misogynistic things but they were of a different time so you love them anyway! 

The moon I can see and if she can control the tides who’s to say she wasn’t the one who hit my snooze button 8 times last Friday? She’s high in the sky and I’ve grown to be able to look all other authoritarians in the eye. So she’s the one I’ll look to for answers from.

Alright moon last month 

The harvest moon marked the start of ‘fall’. Which is the American English word for the British English word ‘Autumn’ which is the Irish English word for ‘It’s fierce nippy but I’ll wear the same coat as I have been wearing all summer until there is ice on my car’ 

I hate this weather, I find it hard to dress as I believe layers are only for Lasagne. I refuse to accept the changing of seasons until I have hardened Kleenex surrounding my beside. My nose is like a tap, it’s a purge of sorts, get out all the notions that you can evade the colder months by playing the EuroMillions every week and dreaming of the Bahamas. The tissues look like little ghosts one for every conversation I started on a dating app this summer and never heard back. RIP. (response in post ) I presume.

I was told that Cancerian’s last month’s full moon meant to bring success in their careers so I can’t fault her there. Ireland’s Perfect Pubs was released and the feedback from followers and friends would warm the feet of anyone who continues to wear ankle socks into the winter. Thank you to those who have watched.

Something magic

Some people won’t believe in magic and to them I ask how do you explain Bluetooth? Currently, I’m struggling with these Bluetooth earbuds an ex bought me I think my ear is rejecting them. Your body keeps the score and all that. So far they have fallen into the sink while I was washing the dishes, into my soup in a restaurant and onto the road as I was crossing ( cue horror music )

The most magical moment of my day is always when I grab the instant coffee, yes I adore instant coffee, I’ve dated too many coffee geeks to know this will horrify many. I love how quickly those granules vanish with boiling water, watch the dark liquid turn to beige as I add full-fat milk no messing. The best part is dunking a plain digestive biscuit into my coffee, which makes the texture so perfect and the timing of my dunk so precise that it just melts away in my mouth and reassures me that no matter what problems I face today most of them will not be able to be fixed by a biscuit so enjoy every feckin bite!

Let’s go moon

This month’s full moon was the Hunter moon Cancerians are being told to rest in the coming month something you don’t have to tell me twice. I love my bed. A friend asked me recently if it was the end of the world where would like to be and I said bed. She said Thailand. The details of how the world was ending weren’t discussed but even so, I know I would rather be holding a hot water bottle than a bucket!

On the night of the lunar eclipse, I stood admiring the moon and thanking it which my friend then pointed out was actually the Dublin Bus Garage floodlights in the distance. ( gratitude is gratitude no matter where you aim it!)

Whenever I hear the word ‘eclipse’ I have to repeat the Jaffa Cake ad. ‘Full moon, half moon, Total Eclipse’. I don’t even like Jaffa Cakes but I really enjoy playing with my food. It’s a genius way to teach kids ( me ) about the universe. Watch me grab a baked potato and say ‘The Earth’  take a bite out of it ‘is…’ eat the rest of the potato ‘fucked’. 

Apparently, a lunar eclipse is quite influential for the emotional well-being of individuals. It could act as a trigger for the zodiacs to have breakthroughs in their relationships and help them significantly in their path of self-growth. Hallelujah growth feels gross but can you imagine being the same hooligan you were ten years ago? Sounds like it’s time for Cancerians to come out of their shell and find someone else to call home for winter. The dating apps on my phone get opened and closed as much as my fridge. I’m sure there is something in there to my taste but I can’t see it. Pot noodles for one again but maybe the moon will do its thing and next month it will be pot two-oodles!

Potion of the month: 

Espresso martini. 

October saw me sign off on my 8th and final wedding of the year. On day two I needed reviving I ordered an Espresso Martini it is a spell that will trigger a yawn-like phenomenon around you where seven people will then order one. It’s a gift the taste of adrenaline and alcohol in a stemmed glass. Perfection. If you would like to enjoy one below is a recipe…

Ingredients

For the sugar syrup

• 100g Golden caster sugar

For the cocktail

Ice

100ml of Vodka

• 50ml freshly brewed espresso coffee

• 50ml coffee liqueur (we used Kahlua)

• 4 coffee beans (optional)

Method

• STEP 1
  Start by making the sugar syrup. Put the caster sugar in a small pan over medium heat and pour in 50ml water. Stir, and bring to a boil.

• STEP 2
  Turn off the heat and allow the mixture to cool. Put 2 Martini glasses in the fridge to chill.

• STEP 3
  Once the sugar syrup is cold, pour 1 tbsp into a cocktail shaker along with a handful of ice, the Absolut Original vodka, espresso and coffee liqueur. Shake until the outside of the cocktail shaker feels icy cold.

STEP 4
Strain into the chilled glasses. Garnish each one with coffee beans if you like.

Chat next month Witches x 

As I touch on a spooky time in our calendars yearly there is really nothing more terrifying than the way we can treat each other in our lifetime. I signed this petition for a cease-fire in Palestine. Sign here if you wish to. All lives are worthy. 

Sources

Newgrange.com, lifestyleasia.com, Brandeis.edu, chaninicholas.com, astrobutterfly.com and countryliving.com

Sunday Drunch

20/06/2021

Drunk on Butter!

At brunch on Father’s day I had to ask for butter with my bread?! I think in 2021 if we can’t spread enough kindness to presume everyone needs a ramekin of butter beside every meal then we’re heading down a slippery slope of tasteless food... and good health, ew! Food without a condiment is like sex with a condom, it’ll do but I won’t be telling my friends about it!

When did I first realise I had a butter addiction you ask? When I was dared to eat a spoon of butter and I happily ate two? Or when my Da sent a frozen block of ‘Kerrygold’ via regular post to me In Vancouver, Canada, and it arrived perfectly spreadable. 

‘I blame my parents’, a great saying if anyone has been doing work on their inner child in the past year. The trauma comes from them being the type of folk who put butter in the fridge, so when I needed it on every meal it had to go on like a slice of cheese! Otherwise I was going to have holes in my bread and we were not practicing catholics! 

I have only this year started to leave butter out and it’s been a ‘heeling process’, the heel of a batch loaf with loads of room temperature butter! 

In primary school when we used to ask who people wanted to marry, my best friend would say she wanted to marry a ‘Ritz’ cracker and this blew my mind. Marrying a ritz cracker, genius! You wouldn’t be lonely or hungry again. It made me instantly aware that love doesn’t have any barriers. I love butter just the same, if not more than how much I love my brother, as butter has never chased me around the house while I am on the phone trying to stuff it’s sock in my mouth! What you fall in love with you have no control over, it is felt so deeply that it can hurt so intensely when it ends abruptly. I am speaking of course when they took twisty fries off the McDonald’s menu! 

I love butter but margarine is a dirty lil treat every now and again, I enjoy how fake it is, it’s so enjoyable and so easily spread like a man's legs when he’s in the middle seat at the back of car! 

The waiter brings a tiny ramekin of butter, it won’t be enough. It is simply never enough! It’s now down to if I can grab his attention to get more butter at some stage during our meal even though I know as a server once you think a table has everything you avoid them like an ex boyfriend at a party, happy to see them enjoying themselves but could they also please f**k off! 

Maybe I should start bringing my own butter in my bag to places, like the Irish Beyonce! In one of her songs she says ‘I got hot sauce in my bag, swag!’ 

‘I got Kerrygold in my tote, dope!’ 

Sunday Drunch

30/05/2021

Drunk on hills!

Hills I have never been particularly fond of, probably ever since my parents decided we would live atop a very steep one from the age of 7. It took me about 20 years to finally appreciate the view from my family home, being able to see the sea for me just meant a breathless struggle when coming back from school, coming back from playing on the road, and coming back from securing some sweets with the loose change I found in my Da’s jeans.

‘Playing on the road’ sounds so ridiculous in 2021 it was safe I swear! But ‘Playing on an iPad’ in 1997 to me would have sounded like there’s no paper in the house so I am colouring in one of my Mum’s Irish owned brand of sanitary towels! 

So when I was asked to go on a hike, my mind debated a couple of things..

I don’t like hills - VS - I’ll climb anything for a good pic 

We have to get up very early on a Sunday - VS - You can always go back to bed and probably wake up at the same time you usually do on a Sunday!

You're not fit enough - VS - would my AA breakdown assistance cover me for my legs atop a mountain? 

I believed my brother wouldn't take me on a hike that was outside of my very low endurance capabilities. Well there was my first mistake - it’s my brother - he’s one of those people who has no sympathy for the weak. ‘Excuses’ might as well be the name of the next band Simon Cowell forms as he won’t listen to them and lastly even as grown adults there is still something so satisfying about seeing a sibling struggle. 

And struggle I did! Through bog, marsh and rivers to get the top of Turlough hill. As we climbed back down towards Lough Ouler, a heart shaped lake. My arse hit the ground more times than it had a toilet seat in the past week! We practiced our Wim Hof method of freezing and breathing in the icy lake water. I tell you what I am really digging this new Dutch method of getting high. I almost want a refund on all those times I went to Amsterdam to sit in a cafe when it's sitting in ice that really both awakens and numbs you to the same effect! 

I feel more drawn to nature this past year,  more drawn to silence and calm to figure out the chaos in my head, sometimes too drawn to the wilderness that I’m one deep meditation away from selling all my belongings to go live in a treehouse. 

As I made the descent down again towards the carpark I could hear the birds so clearly and thought to myself I need to be here. I need to live on this hill now. Then I heard the hum of motorbikes In the distance and thought, that sounds pretty cool too actually, that extravagant thing that didn't want to be just another car! Things, showy off things, I need lots of things and absolutely no-thing at the same time and a nice reminder to the way I am existing suits me, like when someone offers me selection of deserts and I want ‘a bit of everything please’

On the way back the roads were busy with cars and cyclists and the parks filled with families. I thought to myself oh people actually leave their houses on a Sunday. I must do that more. If you are someone who has gotten too used to the indoors this past year like myself, go find a hill and take a photo of it and remember the way you are existing is just fine with hills to climb and tumbles to take because your Nike Tenko’s were not made for mountains!

Ok I am very drunk on hills good bye x

Sunday Drunch

18/04/2021

Drunk on Puppy Love!

‘Puppy love’ before my 30's used to mean a young love, exciting and innocent, a love that would drive you barking mad and keep you up at night. A love where you might shed some hair in your juvenile sweethearts shower just so they can be reminded of you the next time they enter! ‘Oh Anna was here again, must get that spare key back from her’!

Although I could never train them well with a ‘recall’! ‘Fetch me the charger from the other room my dear’ and I would never see them or that pricy plug which fuels my existence again! 

Now as an old hag ‘Puppy Love’ just means when you let a dog lick your face a million times to feel something! Even if that something is ringworm! 

If you gave every miserable prick in the world a puppy how many arseholes would you have left? 

My boyfriend's nephew ‘Barry’ the Cavapoo came to visit, 9 weeks old, a piece of floof that could fit in the palm of your hand or in my case he just nestled himself so nicely into my décolletage. That sexy bit of neck has been the comfort for many a man ‘Barry’ but no one as cute or hairy as you, a quick reminder that I have always been able to grow more facial hair than the lads I dated.

In the depths of the first lockdown I declared to my family that I needed a therapy dog to which my Da replied ‘Who needs the therapy, you or the dog?’ 

It was exactly what I needed to hear. Why would I burden this dog? I am supposed to pick up their shite not the other way round.  

Maybe the next time Barry is over I will just whisper in his ear ‘Sometimes I get sad thinking about the people in the world who must be sadder than me’ sweet relief and back to work. 

Work like a dog? who created that phrase because in my opinion Dog’s have the suss. 

Eat, sleep, be adored. Repeat. 

I am so drunk on Puppy love and to be honest my boyfriend went right down the prick scale when he was holding ‘Barry’ this morning! The way he cared for him would do things to your ovaries so I’m off to explore that. Good night x 

Sunday Drunch

04/04/2021

Drunk on Chocolate!

04/04/2021

Drunk on Chocolate!

Easter Sunday,  I’m all for a holiday that celebrates a man who rises!  The closest I have come to a ‘resurrection’ is thinking I am truly dying from a hangover, when my head feels like a van has reversed over it and parked there for the day with its hazards on! I believe I am passing over from one ‘Spirit’ induced life into the next, then all of a sudden coming around again because I can smell the doorbell and taste some overpriced MSG! 

Curry sauce has healing powers, a ‘3 in 1’ is called that because it can heal 3 things in one… hunger, a broken heart and a hangover!

A hangover? I haven’t had one of those in a while. The novelty of binge drinking in lockdown wore off back in 2020 when I confused my alcohol anxiety for covid anxiety and I worried three weeks too much about what the Dutch farmers would do with the Tulips they couldn’t sell. I cried so hard for those mouth + front bum sounding blossoms! 

I’m having a Wispa in bed at 9.03am I don’t know where in the story of Easter that chocolate was introduced but I’m here for it, I am an atheist with taste buds and ‘My God’ there is something so incredibly tasty about chocolate in an egg shape. I haven’t quite cracked why it tastes so much nicer in an oval ball but I think it’s because deep down you know it’s seasonal, it’s not gonna be around for very long, like a lot of my ex boyfriends! Enjoy it while you can, make the most of it and then regret ever touching it!

Although I am eating chocolate in bed for breakfast, the novelty has worn off on me as they started selling Easter eggs in January. Will Power is a good name for an English investment banker but it is not something I have when it comes to chocolate and a bargain. Three eggs for three euro in Lidl. I jumped at them every week like I was on an episode of supermarket sweep. 

My Lidl trips are the highlight of my week and I would have said that pre-pandemi! Shopping for my own food has always been top of my gratitude list. It was something I would tell my Mum I couldn't wait to do when I grew up. ‘Mum’ I would say ‘when I am older I am walking straight into the shops with my monies and I am buying a jar of Nutella and a cucumber’!  I would just like to tell my 7 year old self that we have achieved the dream and sadly that is no longer what freedom tastes like, freedom to me now would taste like a cold pint poured in a pub without having to order a lasagne, eating a poutine in Vancouver, pasta in Rome or a veggie sausage roll from Gregg’s in Whitechapel.

As my mind travels the world with food, my fingers are roaming over to pick up a not fully grown Kit Kat bar. C’mon Nestle get your act together and put an adult Kit Kat in your eggs! I must go cause I am drunk on chocolate! 

Sunday Drunch

Sunday 07/03/2021

Drunk on Birthdays!

My boyfriend’s birthday, a great day! 33 years since the earth was graced with his presence but the universe (tinder) only aligned our paths 6 months ago. “Where have you been my whole life?’ he asked as I filled the kitchen with presents, pancakes and a cheap, tacky uniform of our incredible front line workers! A fantasy of his that came to life thanks to 22 US Dollars and 5 working week delivery! 

‘Running away’ I said, running well, actually probably more of a jog, ‘jogging away’, who am I kidding I can only do the pace of those brisk power walks that make people look like they're holding in a shit trying to get somewhere quick! 

Our paths never crossed because I have been ‘Power walking away’ from Dublin, De world, De Galaxy! Nothing like a pandemic to stop us running (mentally) and start running if you were unfortunate enough to be tagged in a 5k challenge! 

The pandemic stops us in our tracks and forces us to answer some hard questions we have been avoiding like does butter belong in the fridge or the cupboard? 

Blueberry pancakes for my fella, and on mine a small block of Kerrygold and maple syrup.

I like making a fuss of people on their birthdays in the hope that they return the same amount of fuss or bigger for me, just like Phoebe said in Friends there is no such thing as selfless good deed!

I don’t want him to pay for a thing on his special day, so he gets a birthday Americano as NOWHERE is open, nowhere except every window in Dublin now has a barista hanging out of it. 

‘Flat white?’ they ask looking at me and nodding to him

‘No! he’s actually in a good mood today’ I say ‘It’s his birthday’!

Everyone deserves to be spoiled on the day they came into the world, everyone deserves to feel loved, unique, special, everyone deserves their place on this earth. Ok I have drunk one too many Bloody Mary’s , next week I’m swapping the vodka for tequila and calling it a Bloody Marty!

Good night I am drunk on Birthdays x 

Dear 16-year-old me…

Originally Published on Kiss.ie

Hey Anna, 

Yep we made It to 30 I know there were times we didn’t think we would get here but we did it and I’m excited for our future. 

I feel like we have been speaking a lot this year as I have found myself temporarily living back in my teenage room.  We hid a lot of pain in that room didn’t we? To be fair we do have a lot of stuff so it is easy to put all your worries in coat pockets, behind sunglasses, under hats and in a fake ‘Louise Vuitton” bags then to share them. 

Sharing your worries is like sharing a packet of chewing gum in a very short space of time they will be gone! 

There is a lesson in facing your problems head on otherwise you are forced to return to them later in life, that or else there is a global pandemic and this is just a horrible coincidence! 

At 16 you were funny, kind, a pain the hole to your folks, completely terrified and beautiful (vomit I know) I know when you look in the mirror you see a ‘Gollum’ like character looking back but you just really needed to clean that mirror, hoover your room and help your Mum around the house more.  

The fear isn’t completely gone, anxiety is always prevalent in our lives but you have learnt the tools to deal with them like, meditation, sea swimming, therapy, gardening, talking with your folks and friends.

The best part about being a teen was the craic god the craic when you we 16 you cannot beat it. Those summers with my mates I will never forget, the belly aches and tears that would roll down our faces. I mean we were all fools but I still love every single one of those fools to this day.  Do as much as you can, say yes to everything and be kind to everyone along the way. 

The craic was all that mattered to me and I guess it still does and sometimes I even get paid for being a bitta craic. 

Drink less though, you are the life of the party without it, drink does not make you confident, it does not make you funny, it does not make you attractive or sexy. It can make you numb and we don’t want that we want to feel it all in this life the ups and the downs make us more focused, resilient and appreciative.

Getting a part time job and then a role on Fair City really helped you learn the importance of making your own money and being independent. From the age of 15 we rarely asked our folks for money and I believe that helped them into an early retirement and is why I don’t mind taking up some space in the house once again for a few months. (which reminds me, I need to help my Mam around the house more!) 

Your parents are the best, you know that but they don’t know you know that so tell them.

Boys are great but the ones you keep dating won’t be ready for anything serious till like 92 so enjoy it for what is it and focus more on yourself. I get annoyed about how many eejits hurt you along the way but the heart wants what it wants and god I just love a fool who smells of ‘Joop’! 

I don’t regret a relationship I regret the investment I put into it, like paying for a lot of meals! 

School was rough wasn’t it, amazing group of friends you still have to this day but by god what was the rest of it about? It doesn’t help that the academic system is set up to let us believe we are truly dumb from a young age if we are not performing well at school. That’s when we gave up, like ‘oh well I am dumb why would I bother lifting a pen’. 

Resisting takes so much energy, accepting you’re not going to be the first Doctor in the Clifford family is way easier and a blessing for all Irish people. 

Going to school and having a nap at the back of class is probably easier than fighting at home to keep your head on the pillow.

We didn’t go to college but the ski trips and parties people were going on looked like fun so I wouldn’t rule it out again! 

You’re going to be raging when you hear this but food is not the enemy, I know we thought if we waged a war on white carbs that we would win, but we did not, we lost a lot of time we could have spent enjoying food and people’s company without the stress of dieting, restrictions or any guilt attached. We thought chocolate could go to hell only to find yourself there and that chocolate remained on the shelfs in the real world! 

If you take the focus away from your appearance and look at what food can do to keep you healthy and energised.

If you find the balance of a treat and a nutritious dinner and understand binging should only be a term used for a really good ‘Netflix’ series. 

There does not need to be less or more of you standing here just standing confidently is all that is required. 

Don’t look at someone else and wish you had something they have ‘Comparison is the thief of Joy’ not my own words but I love that saying, look at yourself and pick the things you have that no one else does, be proud of them, bushy hair and a squishy nose make for great party tricks!

I wish I could tell you to ask for help sooner, there are so many people and supports around you to help get that shite out of your head. Then we might have started Stand Up Comedy earlier and I would be on ‘Live at the Apollo’ by now but there are no direct paths for anyone! Just a lot of random trails and your google maps is broken so you have to trust you are on the right track. Yes, we do Stand-up Comedy now, I know you always thought you were gas, and yes, it’s a very scary job but I always tell people no more terrifying than sending the first text or some of the nasty things you have said to yourself. 

When you grow up it will all be mad, truly mad! You never wanted a 9-5 so what you got was a 24/7.  Your life is so exciting, you have travelled and lived in different countries, acted in theatre, TV and Film. Performed stand up, modelled, worked in fashion, been a presenter, waited on tables, worked in offices, sweet shops, written and performed your own sketches, plays and stand up hours. Had so many successes and a million more failures. Had your heart broke over and over that you thought you must just be unlovable and then bam someone else comes along to potentially break it again!

Tried all the gym classes, diets, self-help books, careers and hairstyles!

Tried so hard at everything you did to only learn that if you stop trying wonderful things will happen.

You are slowly changing every day and becoming freer in yourself, that is the beauty of getting older! I welcome all that age offers except the needing to pee more as they have temporarily closed the loo’s in St Stephen’s Green! 

But ultimately the things that matter the most have not changed, your love for your family, friends and the craic has not gone anywhere. Your drive and passion to be an entertainer. That will never leave even though it is a hard road you just wouldn’t suit being an accountant as you only ever used your calculator to spell ‘Boobies’!

People are so important to you, every single person you meet and everyone you have the pleasure of performing in front. Kindness is your biggest strength and selfishly makes you feel good too.  Keep making people laugh the world needs it. 

If you want some advice I would recommend going to Da for it but here’s my last few words. 

Perfection doesn’t exist it is a myth or an Instagram filter so give up on that one, there is no rush so take the pressure off and enjoy the present moment. Looking the future and looking to the past is like wearing an eye mask, tiring and dark.  Give yourself a break but also please stop hitting the snooze button so much! Joy is a woman who lives at the end of your road who is never in when you call so let her come to you. 

You were born with everything you need so use it, even show it off, go on!

I am 30 now, old in your eyes but to me I am just getting started. There are so many more things I know I can achieve.

I love you, repeat that every day I frickin’ love you xx